Ugenia Lavender Read online

  ‘How are we going to get everyone to dance with each other?’ asked Bronte.

  Ugenia thought about this – it could be a problem, as some boys and girls wouldn’t be seen dead dancing together.

  Ugenia, Rudy, Crazy Trevor and Bronte were all silent for a while.

  Then suddenly, like a thunderbolt of lightning, Ugenia had a brainwave.

  ‘Ingenious!’ cried Ugenia. ‘A DANCING-COUPLES COMPETITION! There’ll be prizes and awards and trophies!’

  ‘Very nice!’ cried Bronte.

  ‘Love it!’ Rudy agreed, beaming.

  ‘Er . . . yeah, OK,’ said Trevor.

  ‘Let’s make posters and pin them up everywhere!’ shouted Ugenia.

  Immediately the four of them set to work on the posters.

  Ugenia ran around the school, putting up as many posters as she could. Then she went to lunch.

  As she stood in line holding a tray of shepherd’s pie and waiting for a portion of jam roly-poly, Ugenia imagined gliding around the room with Will Darcy at the Valentine’s Disco.

  Ugenia was deep in thought when there in front of her was Darcy himself.

  Immediately her heart began to thump like a drum, her knees became two wibbly-wobbly jellies and she dropped her shepherd’s pie on to Darcy’s gleaming brown shoes.

  Ugenia’s face went bright red.

  ‘Oh . . . oh . . . oh my gosh, D-D-Darcy!’ she stuttered. ‘I am s-s-SO sorry!’

  ‘It’s OK,’ said Darcy, smiling and wiping the shepherd’s pie off his gleaming brown shoes with a serviette.

  Ugenia hurried away and joined her friends.

  ‘Hey, Ugenia,’ said Rudy.

  ‘You look weird,’ said Trevor.

  ‘Is something wrong?’ asked Bronte.

  ‘It’s nothing,’ replied Ugenia. ‘I just feel a bit dizzy.’

  She picked up her fork, poked her jam roly-poly and stared into space.

  ‘Mission Control to Ugenia,’ said Rudy. ‘What’s up with you?’

  ‘Yeah,’ nodded Crazy Trevor, eyeing up her roly-poly.

  ‘I’m just not hungry today,’ sighed Ugenia dreamily.

  ‘So you won’t mind if I eat your jam roly-poly,’ said Trevor, stuffing the whole thing into his mouth in one go.

  That afternoon Ugenia decided to put up some more posters by the lockers.

  She was standing on a stool when she heard a smooth, familiar voice. It was Will Darcy.

  ‘Hi, Ugenia, I hope you managed to have some lunch.’ Will smiled at her.

  Immediately, Ugenia’s heart began to thump like a drum, her knees became two wibbly-wobbly jellies and she fell off the stool, crashing down straight on to Darcy.

  Ugenia’s face went bright red.

  ‘Oh . . . oh . . . oh my gosh, D-D-Darcy!’ she stuttered, ‘I am s-s-SO sorry!’

  ‘It’s OK,’ said Darcy, smiling and removing a Valentine’s poster that was wrapped around his head.

  Ugenia hurried away to get some more posters. She had just collected some Blu-Tack when she felt a tap on her shoulder.

  She turned round and came face to face with Henry from her drama class. ‘Can I ask you something about the Valentine’s Disco?’ said Henry.

  ‘Maybe later,’ answered Ugenia, ‘after I’ve finished putting all these posters up.’

  And with that, Ugenia walked off.

  What’s wrong with me? wondered Ugenia. Why do I feel so peculiar?

  The peculiar feeling didn’t go away. Ugenia was still feeling it two days before the Valentine’s Disco.

  Maybe I should ask my dad, thought Ugenia. After all, he is a professor and he is very clever and he knows pretty much everything.

  After school Ugenia jumped on her red bike and sped down Boxmore Hill, past the twenty-four-hour, bargain-budget, bulk-buyers’ supersized supermarket and into the town centre. She went straight to the Dinosaur Museum.

  Ugenia wandered through the large, stone building, under the huge diplodocus skeleton, past a stegosaurus horn, down the stairs and along a dusty, dark corridor.

  She tiptoed quietly past three men in white coats wearing their do-not-disturb frowns as they peered down intently at a tiny piece of what looked like a dinosaur wart. Ugenia knocked on her father’s door, which said:

  ‘Enter!’ called Professor Lavender.

  ‘Hi, Dad,’ said Ugenia, bursting in. ‘I really need your help.’

  ‘Is this about that brontosaurus nostril?’ asked her father, giving Ugenia a kind smile.

  ‘No,’ said Ugenia. ‘I think I might be ill.’

  ‘What are your symptoms?’ enquired Professor Lavender.

  ‘Well, my heart beats like a drum, my legs become wibbly-wobbly jellies and I seem to lose my balance whenever I see this boy called Will Darcy.’

  Professor Lavender looked intently at his daughter for a few seconds and then burst out laughing.

  ‘What are you laughing at?’ snapped Ugenia. ‘This is not a laughing matter!’

  ‘It sounds to me,’ said Ugenia’s father, trying not to smile, ‘as if you have a bad case of what’s known as the Lovely Illness.’

  ‘The Lovely Illness?’ gasped Ugenia. ‘Is it serious? Is it contagious? Is there a cure?’

  ‘It’s not serious,’ he replied, ‘it can be a little contagious, and as far as I know there’s no cure.’

  ‘NO CURE?’ cried Ugenia.

  ‘I’m afraid so,’ he replied softly. ‘I think you’re Love Sick.’

  ‘So what am I going to do?’

  Professor Lavender thought hard for a couple of minutes and his eyebrows nudged each other. Then suddenly his face brightened up.

  ‘The female praying mantasaurus always conquers this Lovely Illness nonsense by directly chasing and trapping her ideal mate,’ he said. ‘The male of her species is drawn towards her intoxicating scent and thus can’t avoid her. Once he has fallen for her, she eats him up and is done with him.’

  At that second, like a thunderbolt of lightning, Ugenia had a brainwave.

  ‘INGENIOUS!’ cried Ugenia. ‘Entrapment! I’ll set a trap for Darcy!’

  ‘Great!’ Professor Lavender beamed. ‘Would you like to see that brontosaurus nostril now?’

  But Ugenia didn’t hear him. She was already halfway down the corridor.

  The next day at lunch, while Ugenia was sitting in the canteen waiting for Rudy, Crazy Trevor and Bronte to arrive, she suddenly saw Darcy approaching.

  Ugenia panicked and quickly dived under the table.

  She tried to calm herself, but the Lovely Illness was taking over again. Her heart started to beat like a drum and her legs became two wibbly-wobbly jellies.

  ‘Can I ask you something about the Valentine’s Disco?’ said Henry, peering down at Ugenia.

  ‘Maybe later,’ interrupted Ugenia, ‘after I’ve finished hiding under this table.’

  And at that, Henry walked off.

  Ugenia waited under the table for a long time, but her friends didn’t show up.

  As Ugenia sat under the table feeling miserable, she suddenly remembered something she’d seen in a Hunk Roberts film. In The Jungle of Mutant Mountain Mumbersnakes, the temptress Kinvara Honey lays a trap to capture Hunk Roberts. First she entrances him with her big eyes and then she leaves a secret message for him . . . Soon he is besotted with her.

  ‘INSPIRATIONAL!’ cried Ugenia. ‘Entrancement! I’ll entrance Darcy with my big eyes and, if that doesn’t work, I’ll send him a secret message. Then maybe he’ll ask me to be his Valentine’s Disco dancing partner.’

  Feeling a sudden boost of confidence, Ugenia leaped out from under the table and immediately spotted Will Darcy eating his lunch.

  Ugenia ignored her thumping-like-a-drum heartbeat and wibbly-wobbly-jelly legs and gave Darcy the biggest eyes she could manage.

  ‘Hey, Ugenia,’ said Darcy with a puzzled expression, ‘what’s wrong with your eyes?’

  ‘Er . . . nothing,’ lied Ugenia. ‘They’re just a bit sore.’<
br />
  ‘I have some eye drops in my rucksack,’ said Darcy, peering deeply into Ugenia’s eyes. He took out a little blue bottle of Refreshtickle eye drops and gave them a gentle squirt into Ugenia’s big eyes.

  ‘Er, thanks. That’s much better,’ said Ugenia.

  The big eyes didn’t work, thought Ugenia. I’ll have to try Kinvara Honey’s other technique – a secret message.

  It took a few goes before she got it right:

  1. I think you’re almost as handsome as Hunk Roberts.

  Nah, too cheesy.

  2. I love the fact that you carry eye drops around.

  Nah, too medical.

  3. What are you doing tomorrow afternoon? Are you going to the Valentine’s Disco and do you have a partner yet? If you don’t, perhaps I could be your partner. Of course, that’s only if you want to – unless you’re doing something else.

  Nah, too silly.

  4. Be my Valentine . . . Love from the Valentine’s Disco Coordinator.

  That’s it! A simple clue!

  Ugenia wrote this down on a yellow Post-it note and slipped it into Will Darcy’s locker.

  She felt a rush of excitement and nerves. Her tummy began to wash around like spaghetti in a tumble dryer. She went to search for Rudy, Crazy Trevor and Bronte. Where were they anyway?

  Ugenia finally found them in the school gymnasium. Bronte was wrapping a chair in foil, Rudy was decorating the gym equipment with baby-blue toilet roll, and Crazy Trevor was at the top of a climbing rope, hanging paper fish on the ceiling.

  Henry was also there, polishing the floor with his mother’s dishcloth.

  ‘We’re creating that under-the-sea effect!’ gushed Rudy when he spotted Ugenia. ‘Isn’t it gorgeous?’

  ‘Wow!’ marvelled Ugenia (feeling a bit miffed that they’d got on with the decorations without her).

  ‘We thought you’d given up the Valentine’s Disco Coordinator job, so Bronte’s taken over,’ said Trevor.

  ‘I hope you don’t mind me helping out,’ said Bronte. ‘It’s just that we needed to get things done and you didn’t seem to be . . . here.’

  ‘Thanks a lot,’ Ugenia muttered, frowning. She was suddenly feeling very unimportant, and stormed out.

  ‘Touchy!’ said Crazy Trevor, swinging upside down on the rope.

  The next day was 14 February – Valentine’s Day. Ugenia had had no reply to the note she’d put in Darcy’s locker.

  She felt particularly glum at breakfast. The disco was that afternoon and she didn’t have anyone to dance with.

  ‘Not working out as you hoped?’ asked her dad.

  Ugenia shook her head.

  ‘Perhaps you need to take a leaf out of the pteranodon’s book – she flies proud and solo,’ offered her dad.

  ‘INNOVATIVE!’ cried Ugenia. ‘Fly proud and solo!’

  There was no use having a pity party, she decided, so she ran upstairs and put on her flying mermaid outfit with sequinned wings.

  It won’t be such a big deal, Ugenia reassured herself that afternoon. I’ll just dance with my friends.

  Ugenia had to admit that the gym looked amazing, with an inflatable octopus, a solar-powered shipwreck, piranha-eating sea horses and a vast tub of fizzy blue Ocean Punch.

  ‘Welcome to my world!’ beamed Rudy as he swept Miss Medina, one of the teachers, round the dance floor.

  Ugenia peered round the room and saw that everyone else was also dancing with a partner.

  Sita was dancing with Max.

  Cara was dancing with Billy.

  Sebastian was dancing with Chantelle and Liberty.

  Even Trevor was dancing (very reluctantly) with Anoushka.

  And then, to Ugenia’s horror, she saw that Bronte was dancing with WILL DARCY!

  ‘INJUSTICE!’ cried Ugenia. ‘Why are they together? They don’t even look happy about it!’

  ‘Darcy wanted to dance with the Valentine’s Disco Coordinator, because she sent him a special message,’ explained Henry, suddenly appearing at Ugenia’s side. ‘I told him it was Bronte, and I’m gutted because I wanted to dance with her. I’ve been trying to get your help with asking her for ages.’

  ‘INCREDIBLE!’ cried Ugenia. ‘MULTI-MIX-UP! That’s why Darcy and Bronte are so miserable! I think I can sort it out though,’ she said. ‘Follow me!’

  She marched straight over to Bronte and Darcy, dragging Henry with her.

  ‘Will,’ announced Ugenia when she reached them, ‘I’m actually the Valentine’s Disco Coordinator. I wrote you the note. You’re meant to be dancing with me.’

  Ugenia then shoved Henry towards Bronte.

  ‘Very nice,’ said Bronte.

  ‘Like it,’ said Henry.

  ‘Love it,’ said Ugenia.

  ‘It’s dancing-couples competition time!’ declared Miss Medina. ‘If I tap you on the shoulder, you and your partner must leave the dance floor. The last couple left are the winners!’

  ‘Come on!’ shouted Ugenia, grabbing Darcy by the arm. ‘Let’s dance!’

  Everyone jumped on to the dance floor and began dancing to a song called ‘Swim to the shore with my baby’.

  Ugenia was delighted, as her Kinvara Honey trap had worked! She few round the dance floor with Will Darcy.

  Miss Medina kept tapping lots of people on their shoulders.

  Three and a half minutes later, Ugenia realized that she and Darcy were the only couple left.

  ‘Ugenia and Will are the winners!’ announced Miss Medina.

  ‘DOUBLE INCREDIBLE!’ cried Ugenia.

  Ugenia and Darcy were given their crowns and trophies and they took their places on the golden Neptune thrones.

  Ugenia felt very, very important.

  ‘Isn’t this the best Valentine’s Day ever, Darcy?’ said Ugenia, beaming.

  ‘Darcy?’

  But Will Darcy didn’t reply. He was sitting on his throne, staring at Ugenia with a glazed expression on his face.

  ‘Are you all right?’ Ugenia asked.

  ‘I-I . . . f-f-f-f-feel a bit funny.’ Darcy stared dreamily at Ugenia. ‘My heart is beating l-l-like a drum and my l-l-legs feel like wibbly-wobbly jellies.’

  ‘It’s not serious,’ Ugenia said, grinning. ‘It’s just the Lovely Illness!’

  Ugenia rolled out of bed and stared through the window ready for action as she assessed what kind of day it was going to be. It wasn’t like Egypt, where Ugenia had lived before and which was always so hot and colourful. The English weather had a mind of its own – one day it was having a tantrum and pouring with rain, the next there was a brief moment of sparkling sunshine just to tease you.

  But today it was one of those days when the weather just couldn’t make up its mind at all – actually nor could the season. It wasn’t exactly freezing, but there wasn’t the promise of spring either. Ugenia frowned. Hmm, this weather is just dull – boring and beige, like this house, she thought as she stared at her wallpaper, which had remained a nice shade of beige since she had moved here in January. Her parents had bought her a fantastic Hunk Roberts action-hero bedspread though, which did liven things up a little bit.

  It was Saturday and Ugenia hadn’t anything special planned, so she decided to watch a repeat of a Hunk Roberts movie. She could watch the same movie over and over again if he was in it. He was always so brave and would turn any horrid situation around into something positive. Ugenia went to put one of her favourite movies on: The Revenge of the Yellow Golden Spud Thief, which was about an evil villain who robbed lots of banks and would always leave a golden potato as his trademark. Hunk Roberts was desperate to try and catch him.

  But when Ugenia went to put the DVD on, it wouldn’t work. In fact, the DVD player was jammed with one of her dad’s dinosaur documentaries.

  ‘Injustice!’ groaned Ugenia. ‘Now what am I going to do?’

  Ugenia then went downstairs and stared at her parents, who were busy chatting enthusiastically about where in the hall to hang a picture of an African bull elephan
t.

  ‘I think it belongs right in the middle,’ said Professor Lavender.

  ‘No, hang it in the bathroom,’ said her mother.

  ‘What do you think, Ugenia?’ asked her father.

  Ugenia shrugged her shoulders as if to say, ‘I don’t really care.’ Then she announced, ‘I think it will look good anywhere. To be honest, this house is so drab it needs cheering up with as many colourful pictures as possible.’

  ‘I think she’s got a point,’ said her dad. ‘Let’s decorate the hall!’

  ‘If we’re going to start decorating anywhere at all, I think we should start with the kitchen,’ said her mum.

  ‘How about my bedroom?’ interrupted Ugenia.

  ‘Yes! Why don’t we go to the DIY store together and choose paints . . . as a family outing!’ Pandora announced enthusiastically (she was actually a DIY fanatic).

  ‘Boring!’ sighed Ugenia as she rolled her eyes in desperation. Going to the DIY store, staring at paint pots, was as boring as watching paint dry, she thought.

  Just as Ugenia was desperately trying to think of a cunning plan to avoid going, the doorbell rang . . .

  It was Uncle Harry, Professor Lavender’s brother, who was a celebrity chef and taught people how to cook on television by shouting at them.

  ‘Ooh I am so glad you’re here. I’m so streeeeessssssed out. I’ve been working on trying to perfect a spaghetti tomato-sauce recipe and I just can’t seem to get it right!’ said Harry, pulling a very stressed-out face and holding his head. ‘And it has to be perfect. Do you know how hard it is to be perfect?’