Ugenia Lavender and the Burning Pants Read online

  Ugenia was brushing her teeth and giving herself her extra-special-superstar birthday grin in the bathroom mirror, when she suddenly noticed a strange, large black and white bird tapping at the window.

  Hmm, that’s an odd-looking bird, thought Ugenia, who felt a bit peculiar as she wandered downstairs in her favourite Hunk Roberts action-hero pyjamas, all ready for her birthday celebrations to begin.

  Ugenia’s mum had already left for work (she always left before Ugenia was up on weekdays because of her job on Breakfast TV, which started very early). But Ugenia was surprised – and really disappointed – that her dad had left too and was already on his way to the Dinosaur Museum.

  So it was Granny Betty who was busily in charge downstairs, frying up a gruesome pile of yesterday’s leftover dinner in the kitchen.

  ‘Morning, Ugenia,’ Granny Betty said cheerily, ‘How are you?’

  ‘Well, it’s Friday the thirteenth so it’s an extra-special day, right?’ smiled Ugenia, waiting for her big happy-birthday congratulations.

  ‘I suppose you could call it special, in a very unlucky sort of way,’ exclaimed Granny Betty. ‘That’s if you choose to believe in that superstitious nonsense, of course. But you’re right, Ugenia, Friday the thirteenth is a day like no other, so we’d all better watch our step!’

  ‘What do you mean?’ frowned Ugenia, who was beginning to feel a bit frustrated that her birthday hint hadn’t worked.

  ‘Well, it’s a bit like if you see one single magpie – that would be very unlucky,’ said Granny Betty. ‘But not if you see two – that would be lucky. With magpies it’s a case of one for sorrow, two for joy, three for a girl, four for a boy, five for silver, six for gold, seven for a story that’s never been told.’

  ‘A magpie? What on earth’s a magpie? It all sounds like nonsense.’ Ugenia was becoming even more frustrated as this conversation was leading in a very different direction from any birthday congratulations.

  ‘A magpie is a strange, large black and white bird,’ said Granny Betty, smiling.

  ‘Injustice!’ shrieked Ugenia. ‘I’ve just seen one – it was sitting on the bathroom window ledge! And now you tell me Friday the thirteenth is unlucky too!’ Ugenia frowned.

  ‘If you do see a magpie,’ Granny Betty went on, ‘the way to cancel out the bad luck is to say, “Good morning, Mr Magpie, how’s your wife and family?”’

  ‘OK,’ said Ugenia doubtfully.

  She was hovering over the toaster waiting for her breakfast when she realized that her birthday had been forgotten by everyone in the Lavender family. There wasn’t a card or a present or anything. Instead there was just a piece of black toast, which popped up looking like a chunk of coal and even less appetizing than Granny Betty’s gruesome fry-up.

  ‘My toast is burnt!’ shrieked Ugenia. ‘I knew it, I’m doomed. It’s a sign! I might as well go back to bed!’

  ‘Your luck is what you make it. Take this,’ said Granny Betty, handing Ugenia a silver charm bracelet which she had been wearing round her tiny wrist. The bracelet had many different delicate things hanging from it, including a silver elephant, a miniature cat, a feather, a little car and a tiny silver daisy. ‘It’s my lucky charm bracelet,’ said Granny Betty. ‘It’s very precious to me, but you can wear it for good luck. Just don’t go walking under any ladders though!’ And she laughed.

  ‘Yeah, if you say so! Thanks, Gran,’ said Ugenia, who didn’t really believe any of this good luck stuff would work, but was willing to try anything. She grabbed the burnt toast and the lucky charm bracelet and dashed upstairs to get ready for school. Another sign of bad luck was having to go to school on her birthday!

  Ugenia quickly got dressed and put on Granny Betty’s bracelet. Maybe things will get better now I’ve got my lucky charms on, thought Ugenia.

  Ugenia sped to school across Boxmore Hill Green on her red bike. She tried to avoid the dog poo – it would be very bad luck to ride through it (although in France it’s good luck to step in dog poo with your left foot, which is weird. How can you be lucky if you have a stinky left shoe?).

  Ugenia tried to feel more positive. Maybe her classmates would remember her birthday? Besides, with her silver lucky charm bracelet on, surely there’d be no more bad luck, right?

  Ugenia entered the classroom anticipating big birthday congratulations, but all she got was her usual morning greeting from her best friends.

  ‘What a very nice morning,’ said Bronte.

  ‘Oh yes, fabulous weather,’ said Rudy.

  ‘Yeah, it’s all right, innit,’ said Trevor.

  There was no mention of Ugenia’s birthday as they all prepared for the first lesson of the day – a game of rounders on the school playing field.

  Ugenia got changed into her sports kit in the changing rooms, and took off her lucky charm bracelet. For safety she hid it in her left boot, which she left in the changing room, as she joined the rest of the team out on the playing field.

  Even though her best mates had forgotten her birthday and it was Friday the thirteenth, Ugenia decided to keep positive and just enjoy the game of rounders they were about to play.

  As she got in position to take her turn to bat, Ugenia noticed one single strange, large black and white bird perched in a tree in the orchard next to the field. It was a magpie!

  ‘Injustice!’ shrieked Ugenia. ‘One magpie again – that’s one for sorrow!’

  What was it that Granny Betty said I should do to cancel the bad luck? thought Ugenia. Oh yes! ‘Good morning, Mr Magpie, how’s your wife and family?’ Ugenia called out.

  So she was very distracted when the rounders ball came hurtling towards her.

  Ugenia took a swift swipe and walloped the ball as hard as she could, sending it flying in the direction of the spectating team players sitting on the bench, who all screamed and ran for cover.

  The hard rounders ball zoomed through the air towards Mrs Flitt, their sports teacher. It whacked her straight in the mouth, knocking her two front teeth out.

  ‘Aaaaaaaaah!’ screamed Mrs Flitt in pain.

  ‘Eeeeeeeeeeeeek!’ screamed the class in horror as blood dribbled down Mrs Flitt’s face.

  ‘Stay right here!’ mumbled Mrs Flitt as best she possibly could, dashing towards the gym and leaving the class gasping in panic as they wondered what they were supposed to do next.

  ‘Oh no, it’s all my fault!’ gasped Ugenia.

  ‘No it wasn’t, it was an accident,’ said Bronte.

  ‘I hope she’s all right – she’ll need false teeth,’ said Rudy.

  ‘What a shot!’ said Crazy Trevor.

  If only I hadn’t seen that one blasted magpie! If only it wasn’t Friday the thirteenth! thought Ugenia, but decided it was best not to share this with anyone as they would think she was a bit crazy.

  A moment later, Mr Columbus, the supply teacher, came out.

  ‘Can I have your attention please?’ he announced. ‘Mrs Flitt has gone to hospital, so calm down and go back inside and get changed and ready for your next class.’

  Ugenia and Rudy, Bronte and Crazy Trevor went back to the changing rooms with the rest of the class. Ugenia got dressed quickly and tried not to think about the unhappy Friday the thirteenth birthday she was having.

  Oh well, my luck is what I make it, right? Thought Ugenia, trying to be positive. Before she put her boots on, she reached into her left boot for her lucky charm bracelet. But all she found was a sock and some toe fluff.

  The lucky charm bracelet was gone.

  A horrible feeling hit Ugenia’s stomach. Friday the thirteenth had struck again.

  ‘INJUSTICE!’ screamed Ugenia, ‘Granny Betty’s lucky charm bracelet is missing!’

  ‘Do you think you might have mislaid it?’ asked Bronte.

  ‘Do you think it might have been stolen?’ asked Rudy.

  ‘Er . . . yeah?’ asked Trevor.

  ‘It must have been stolen!’ cried Ugenia, who began frantically searching through the changing roo
ms and ripping through people’s bags and clothes.

  ‘I want a full investigation!’ Ugenia shouted.

  ‘Oi, don’t touch that!’ said Henry.

  ‘I will find the thief!’ cried Ugenia.

  ‘Hey, that’s my stuff!’ cried Anoushka.

  ‘I’ll get to the bottom of this!’ shouted a frenzied Ugenia.

  ‘Get off my lunch box!’ shouted Max.

  The whole class began to get very annoyed with Ugenia, who was now furiously tearing through everyone’s pockets.

  Suddenly Ugenia saw Lara Slater (who had previously stolen her leading-lady part in the summer play). She was fastening a silver lucky charm bracelet on her wrist. It had many different delicate things hanging from it, including a silver elephant, a miniature cat, a feather, a little car and a tiny silver daisy!

  ‘Injustice!’ screamed Ugenia. ‘That’s mine! Lara Slater is a thief! She’s stolen my bracelet!’

  The whole class gasped and stared at Ugenia and Lara Slater.

  ‘Actually, my aunt gave me this for my birthday!’ snapped Lara as she shoved the charm bracelet under Ugenia’s nose and showed her a silver leaf that had been engraved with tiny-weeny writing: To Lara, love Auntie Agatha.

  ‘Satisfied now? I wouldn’t go around accusing people without any proof, if I were you,’ hissed Lara smugly, and there were murmurs of agreement and disapproving looks from the rest of the class.

  Ugenia went bright red as she hung her head in shame. What was happening to her?

  This was proving to be the worst day ever. The whole class was annoyed with her, and Granny Betty’s lucky charm bracelet was missing. Ugenia’s luck was going from bad to worse.

  And things did not get any better. Ugenia accidentally spilt pink paint over her teacher, Mr Monet, in art class. She got told off for chatting at the back in maths. She was last in the queue at lunch so all the spaghetti was gone, which meant she was left with Hungarian goulash. And then in her spelling test Ugenia got caught copying the answers she had written on her legs, so was given a detention.

  But the worst thing was that not one person wished her a happy birthday. Everyone – including her best friends, Rudy, Bronte, and Crazy Trevor – had forgotten.

  Ugenia asked them what they were doing later, but they all said they were too busy to do anything with her.

  By the end of the day Ugenia felt awful. This is happening for one reason only, she thought. Friday the thirteenth is a really unlucky day. Somehow I need to change my luck. Hmm, maybe I should ask my dad. After all, he is a professor and he is very clever and he knows pretty much everything.

  When school was over, Ugenia jumped on her red bike and sped down Boxmore Hill, past the twenty-four-hour, bargain-budget, bulk-buyers’ supersized supermarket and into the town centre. She went straight to the Dinosaur Museum to find her dad.

  Ugenia wandered through the large, stone building, under the huge diplodocus skeleton, past a stegosaurus horn, down the stairs and along a dusty, dark corridor.

  She tiptoed quietly past three men in white coats – including Charlie Darwin, her father’s assistant. They all wore do-not-disturb frowns as they peered down intently at a tiny piece of what looked like a dinosaur tail.

  Ugenia knocked on her father’s door, which said:

  ‘Enter!’ called Professor Lavender.

  ‘Ah, Ugenia!’ he exclaimed, looking pleased to see her. ‘Is it about that brontosaurus bogey we were discussing yesterday?’

  ‘No, Dad, it’s something else . . .’

  Ugenia quickly told her father everything about this unlucky Friday the thirteenth – about the one magpie, the lost lucky charm bracelet, and about Mrs Flitt’s broken teeth. (Well, Ugenia told him almost everything. She didn’t mention it was her birthday. She couldn’t quite bring herself to add more misery to the day by reminding herself that even her dad had forgotten, like everyone else.)

  Professor Lavender paused for a moment. His eyebrows knitted together as if they were in a secret conference with each other.

  ‘Aha! It’s a voodoo jinx. It’s black Friday, that’s your problem!’ he exclaimed. ‘It’s a bit like the Hadoo Hanuka Hoola Hoola tribe in the South Pacific. When they go through bad times and believe they are attracting the worst weather, they call upon a medicine man with a lucky talisman to switch their frequency. He performs a series of ancient rituals to ward off evil. Apparently the weather invariably changes after that.’

  ‘So what does that mean for me?’ said Ugenia, who was extremely puzzled.

  ‘It basically means you have to believe in the power of good-luck charms and rituals. A lucky charm like Granny Betty’s will be much, much stronger if you really believe in it. There are all sorts of things that people do to have good luck,’ Professor Lavender went on, pulling down a dusty old green book from the shelf. It was titled I Should Be so Lucky: the Hadoo Hanuka Hoola Hoola’s Supersonic Charms for the Restless. ‘The wisdom of these tribes says that if you really believe in a good luck charm, then it can be fifty times stronger than if you don’t fully believe.’

  Ugenia stared at the dusty old green book. ‘Ingenious! So what I need to do is believe in the power of things that can bring me good luck. Thanks, Dad. This book looks fascinating. Can I take a look?’

  ‘Yes, sure – I’ll be back in a minute and we can take a look at it together. But first I need to check on Charlie. He’s analysing some carbonized flesh from a T. rex’s collarbone.’

  As soon as Professor Lavender left his office, Ugenia decided she had no time to waste in turning her day back into a lucky one, so she stuffed the dusty green book into her yellow rucksack and headed out the door.

  ‘You know, Ugenia, I was just thinking – all that lucky charm stuff can get a bit silly and complicated,’ Professor Lavender called after her. ‘It could actually cause more harm than good, so it’s probably best not to take it all too seriously.’ But Ugenia was already halfway down the corridor – and too far away to hear.

  Once outside, Ugenia jumped on her bike and sped back up Boxmore Hill. She sat on a bench on the green and quickly opened the dusty old book.

  There was still time to change her birthday luck. And this time she would really try to believe in it – that would obviously make a huge difference. Her dad said that totally believing in a lucky charm would make it fifty times stronger, right? Ugenia stared at the first page of the book. It read:

  I should be so lucky!

  THINGS THAT BRING ON THE LUCKY STUFF:

  ~ A black cat crossing your path

  ~ Touching wood

  ~ Rubbing stinging nettles on a bald head

  THINGS TO AVOID IF YOU DON’T WANT BAD LUCK:

  ~ Walking on cracks in the pavement

  ~ Spilling salt

  (Throw more salt over your left shoulder to cancel out the bad luck)

  ~ Putting new shoes on a table

  ~ Breaking mirrors

  (Bury a piece of the broken mirror in mud to cancel out the bad luck)

  Ugenia studied the list and began to ponder what she could do to turn this unlucky Friday the thirteenth around.

  Suddenly, as she sat there, Ugenia saw lots of magpies fly down on to the green. She counted them rapidly.

  ‘Seven magpies!’ she exclaimed. ‘What does that mean?’ And Ugenia went through what Granny Betty had told her: ‘One for sorrow, two for joy, three for a girl, four for a boy, five for silver, six for gold, seven for a story that’s never been told.’

  Ugenia tried to think of what hadn’t been said. First, there had been no happy birthday greetings. Then she remembered how her day had got worse since the charm bracelet was lost, and how she had mistakenly accused Lara of pinching it.

  Suddenly, like a thunderbolt of lightning, Ugenia had a brainwave.

  ‘Incredible! I never said sorry! I should have said it earlier!’

  Ugenia was about to jump on her red bike – but then stopped as she stared at the cracks on the path. She picked up her bike and
began hopping along, trying to avoid any cracks. She hopped all the way over the green to the small crescent across the road where Lara Slater lived.

  Just then Ugenia saw a black cat coming towards her! Desperately, she ran in front of it so it would cross her path.

  ‘Now all I need is some wood – and a bald head!’ pronounced Ugenia. ‘Then everything will be all right.’ And she quickly touched a tree as she approached Lara’s very smart house.

  Ugenia parked her bike by the mermaid fountain in the middle of Lara Slater’s gravelly front drive. She squirmed a little as she knocked on the front door. It wasn’t easy to apologize to Lara, who had always been such a big-headed show-off and looked down her nose at Ugenia.

  Lara answered the door.

  ‘Lara, I have to tell you something,’ announced Ugenia bravely. ‘I was so busy thinking about the unlucky day I was having because it’s Friday the thirteenth, and it’s my birthday, that I just jumped in and accused you of stealing my silver lucky charm bracelet without any proof, and for that I am sorry.’

  Lara stared at Ugenia in shock.

  ‘Really? Gosh, thanks, Ugenia! Well, in that case, I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have snapped. It sounds like you were having a really bad day. Since it’s your birthday, would you like to come in and have some tarberry juice?’

  Ugenia hesitated – she couldn’t believe Lara was being so nice. But then she decided the Hadoo Hanuka Hoola Hoola charms must already be working. And that really, really believing in them was already making them fifty times stronger, just like her father had said. Maybe my luck’s already changing, thought Ugenia excitedly.

  Ugenia stepped inside, and was just drinking a large glass of tarberry juice and telling Lara how she longed for a new puppy, which she had no chance of getting for her birthday, when Lara’s parents, Duncan and Mildred, came in. Duncan was wearing his policeman’s uniform and Mildred had bags of shopping with her.