Ugenia Lavender Home Alone Read online

  So Ugenia wrote:

  SOS

  STRANDED ON DESERT ISLAND

  WITH NOTHING TO DO

  I’M UGENIA LAVENDER

  GET ME OUT HERE!

  Ugenia screwed the lid on tightly, kissed the bottle for good luck and threw it as far out to sea as she could.

  Ugenia stared at the sun, the sun stared at Ugenia and she began to melt.

  ‘I’m so hungry!’ said Ugenia, staring at a caterpillar.

  ‘I’m so hot!’

  ‘I’m so thirsty . . .’

  ‘And there’s no one around even to talk to,’ frowned Ugenia. ‘Isn’t it the first sign of madness, when you start talking to yourself? Stop it!’ she cried as something suddenly hit her on the head. ‘Ouch!’

  Ugenia turned to look at the offending object – a mouldy old football. ‘Where on earth did that come from?’

  ‘Oops, sorry, he’s mine,’ said a man wearing a tiny pair of undies, who was very skinny with a long beard. Nervously he snatched up the football and cradled it like a baby . . .

  ‘Who are you?’ frowned Ugenia, feeling a mixture of annoyance and relief to see someone.

  ‘Forgive me, I’ve forgotten my manners. My name’s Forrest, and this is my friend Nelson,’ exclaimed Forrest pointing at the football.

  ‘Your friend?’ said Ugenia.

  ‘He’s the only friend I’ve got!’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes, I’m a castaway – I was in a plane crash and have been stranded here. It’s just me and Nelson now.’

  ‘Well, I’m Ugenia Lavender,’ said Ugenia. ‘How long have you been here?’

  ‘Hmm.’ Forrest scratched his head. ‘I’m not sure exactly,’ he said, staring at some chalk marks on a tree, ‘but I think it’s about twenty years.’

  ‘Twenty years! TWENTY YEARS!’ cried Ugenia. ‘I can’t be here twenty years – I have my whole life ahead of me. I have my family and friends, my red bike, Cromer Road.’ Ugenia suddenly felt extremely homesick. ‘I’ll be rescued!’ she pronounced.

  ‘That’s what I thought,’ said Forrest glumly.

  ‘My mum and dad won’t forget me! They love me,’ cried Ugenia, who then began to sob uncontrollably.

  ‘Er, well, you can hold Nelson for comfort if you like,’ said Forrest.

  ‘Er, OK,’ whimpered Ugenia, not really knowing how Nelson was going to help.

  ‘I tell you what. I know what will cheer you up. I’ll give you a tour of the island!’ said Forrest cheerfully. ‘Come on, follow me . . .’

  And so Forrest, Ugenia and Nelson the football took five steps down the deserted beach.

  ‘OK, so this is the beach, and I sleep over there,’ said Forrest, pointing to a shady palm tree.

  ‘And what’s that?’ asked Ugenia, pointing to the vast jungle terrain.

  ‘Ooh, you must never ever go over there!’ said Forrest.

  ‘Why?’ asked Ugenia, who was suddenly feeling rather inquisitive.

  ‘Haven’t you ever seen the movie Cannibal Island?’ quivered Forrest.

  ‘Er, no,’ replied Ugenia.

  ‘You know, it’s the one where the two people go into the jungle and get eaten alive by the natives,’ Forrest told her.

  ‘OK, then what about the volcano? Can we go there?’

  ‘But haven’t you seen the movie King Kong?’ Forrest began to shake.

  ‘Er, no,’ replied Ugenia.

  ‘You know, it’s the one where the big gorilla gets really angry and the cannibals make a sacrifice by giving people to it as presents!’

  ‘OK, then what about the ocean? Do you go swimming?’ said Ugenia.

  ‘Haven’t you seen the movie Jaws?’

  Ugenia shook her head.

  ‘You know, the one where the big shark eats everyone? Or Splash, the one with the weirdo mermaid?’

  ‘Er, I think you’ve been watching way too many movies, they’re not real you know!’ exclaimed Ugenia, who was beginning to think this Forrest was a bigger scaredy-cat than she was.

  ‘OK, well, you don’t have a TV here, Forrest, so what exactly do you do all day?’ asked Ugenia.

  ‘Well, I have nice chats with Nelson and I eat these really large coconuts,’ replied Forrest.

  ‘Fantastic – can I have some? I’m really hungry!’ cried Ugenia.

  ‘Erm, well, I usually wait for them to fall,’ said Forrest, nervously pointing at a coconut tree as high as two houses . . .

  ‘INCONVENIENT! I’m hungry now,’ moaned Ugenia.

  ‘I have a banana you can have,’ offered Forrest.

  ‘You’re very kind,’ said Ugenia, popping half of it in her mouth and the other half in her luminous yellow rucksack. ‘Better make it last!’ she explained as she watched a spider monkey swinging from a branch.

  Then, suddenly, like a thunderbolt of lightning, Ugenia had a brainwave. ‘Inspirational!’ she cried. ‘I’ll get the coconuts!’

  And, before Forrest had time to protest about the dangers, Ugenia, still wearing her luminous yellow rucksack, swiftly began climbing the tree . . . luckily she had her special boots on which had great grip.

  Ugenia climbed higher and higher, moving from branch to branch until finally she reached the very top. Slowly she began to reach across to a large, tasty coconut . . . and as she did so she started to lose her balance.

  Ugenia felt very scared, her head felt wibbly wobbly. What would Hunk Roberts do right now? she thought. ‘Don’t look down, don’t look down,’ breathed Ugenia, trying desperately not to look at the massive drop beneath her as she reached out for the coconut . . .

  Ugenia began to sweat. She clung tighter to the trunk of the tree, but the more she told herself not to look down, the more she did . . . she couldn’t help it. Suddenly something very weird caught her eye. It was Forrest, who now appeared tiny, standing in a big dug-out sandpit that was almost the shape of a star . . .

  ‘Incredible!’ cried Ugenia. ‘That almost looks like a footprint!’

  Ugenia began waving at Forrest excitedly. ‘Look!’ Then suddenly the ground began to tremble, the coconut tree began shaking and there was a mighty crack. The branch that Ugenia was clinging to snapped and Ugenia was sent tumbling to ground . . .

  ‘AAAAAAAAAAAAAH, I’m going to die!’ she screamed, closing her eyes as she few through the air before landing with a thud, knocking her head and then passing out. (Thankfully she was saved from any serious damage as she was still wearing her luminous yellow rucksack, which cushioned her fall.)

  Ugenia began to stir, as if from a deep sleep, to the beat of bongo drums. As she looked down, she found herself standing between two pillars, her hands bound tightly to each of them, so she couldn’t move.

  ‘Wh-where am I!’ stammered Ugenia. To her horror she was surrounded by a large crowd of almost naked people with dark charcoal-grey skin, bones through their noses . . . and bits of leaves covering their private bits. They were carrying a large cooking pot. ‘UUUlli hali hali hali hali hali,’ they chanted.

  ‘Aargh! They’re cannibals and they’re going to eat me!’ cried Ugenia. ‘I’m going to die.’

  But to add to Ugenia’s confusion they marched off, leaving her entirely alone.

  Where have they gone? thought Ugenia. ‘INJUSTICE! Don’t leave me!’ she screamed.

  Then suddenly Ugenia felt the ground shake, and the two pillars that held her began to tremble.

  To Ugenia’s horror, she could see something huge in the distance, tearing through the jungle. It was demolishing trees and bounding straight towards her . . .

  It was bigger than a house, bigger than a Tyrannosaurus rex, it was ginormous!

  It was a GORILLASAURUS REX!

  ‘My dad was right!’ Ugenia cried. ‘The Gorillasaurus does live on this island, and I’m being sacrificed! The cannibals have left ME! As a present!’

  Ugenia could not believe what she was seeing as this massive hairy gorilla loomed over her, beating his chest . . .

  ‘Oo, oo, ooo
o,’ growled the Gorillasaurus rex.

  ‘No, please . . . no, please! Don’t hurt me,’ begged Ugenia.

  With one mighty swoop, the Gorillasaurus rex swiped Ugenia from the pillars . . . he was that big that she fitted into the palm of his hand . . .

  ‘He’s going to crush me! I’m going to die!’ screamed Ugenia.

  But to Ugenia’s surprise, the Gorillasaurus began to gently poke her with his little finger.

  ‘What are you doing?!’ snapped Ugenia. ‘If you’re going to crush me, get on with it! I can’t take any more of this!’

  The Gorillasaurus then gave Ugenia a very sheepish expression, as if his eyes were trying to say, ‘Please be my friend.’

  Ugenia smiled back at him. ‘I suppose you can be my new New Best Friend. I mean, who knows when I’ll see Bronte or Rudy or my mum or dad again,’ she sighed, and then she handed her large new NBF the other half of the banana from her luminous yellow rucksack. ‘You look even more hungry than me!’

  ‘Aaaaaaah oooh,’ grunted the Gorillasaurus.

  ‘Did you just smile?’ exclaimed Ugenia, but before the Gorillasaurus had time to answer there was a monumental explosion . . . It was the volcano! It began to erupt violently and boiling hot molten lava began pouring down the mountain straight towards them.

  The Gorillasaurus began running with Ugenia in his arms, cradling her like a baby as he tried to protect her from the boiling hot lava, which began to catch them up rapidly as it surged towards them.

  In a flash the lava began to engulf the Gorillasaurus rex. The red hot liquid was up to his nose, he stretched up his arm trying to keep Ugenia safe, and, quickly but gently, placed Ugenia on a hanging branch before finally he was submerged in the sea of red and pulled along by the heavy current.

  ‘No! Don’t go! Please don’t leave me!’ cried Ugenia as she heard the crack of the branch as it began to snap. ‘I’m going to die! This is the end.’ And Ugenia fell into the red lava, screaming, ‘I’M UGENIA LAVENDER, GET ME OUT OF HERE!’

  ‘CUT!’ shouted a man with a megaphone from behind a large film camera.

  ‘Hey, kid! You were terrific! Can someone get hair and make-up over here? And we need to do a close-up on the electronic gorilla. This movie is going to be fantastic!’

  ‘Movie?’ said Ugenia, who was feeling slightly sick and more than a little bit confused as the hot lava she thought she was drowning in seemed to feel quite cool and smelt of sweet tarberry juice. ‘And who are you?’ demanded Ugenia to the man with the megaphone.

  ‘Ah, so you’ve met my very close friend, the amazing director Mr Speilbug,’ said Forrest, appearing at her side and helping Ugenia out of the red gunk.

  ‘But what about this desert island? You said you were a castaway,’ frowned Ugenia.

  ‘I have been a castaway,’ said Forrest. ‘I was preparing for my part.’

  ‘Hey, you’re a great little actress,’ said Mr Speilbug. ‘Who’s your agent? Where did you come from?’

  ‘Er, er, 13 Cromer Road?’ smiled Ugenia, not really knowing what to say.

  ‘I’m her agent!’ said a familiar voice. It was Uncle Harry! And her mum and dad and Granny Betty were behind him.

  ‘Mum, Dad, Uncle Harry, Granny Betty – I’m so glad to see you!’ cried Ugenia, throwing her arms around them.

  ‘Thank goodness we found you! I thought you were eating chicken with Uncle Harry,’ said Mum.

  ‘And I thought you were fishing with Granny Betty,’ said Uncle Harry.

  ‘Yes, thank goodness we’ve found you!’ said Dad. ‘We were so worried – you wandered over to the other side of the island! We only managed to find you because we saw your luminous yellow rucksack glowing in the distance.’

  ‘Well, you certainly landed on your feet, love!’ chuckled Granny Betty.

  ‘I have saved some roasted chicken and bratwurst for you!’ declared Hans the friendly German holidaymaker, coming up behind them.

  ‘Excuse me, Ms Ugenia Lavender,’ said Mr Speilbug. ‘I was wondering, since you did such a great job, would you consider a starring role in my new movie? We shoot tomorrow! It’s a remake called King Pong Strikes Back 2 – it’s a blockbusting, beautiful love story, where two nations are at war yet two hearts fall in love.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ replied Ugenia. ‘Right now I have plans to enjoy my holiday with my family – we’re in a three-star hotel, meals included. There’s entertainment, aqua-aerobics, karaoke, a fish buffet and everything!’

  ‘Well, that’s very nice, but we’re going to be shooting at the North Pole, Outer Mongolia and the Pacific Ocean. There’ll be moose riding, Machu Picchu skiing and hundreds of extras. What da ya think kid?’

  ‘Boring!’ smiled Ugenia . . .

  It was a golden morning and the sun was streaming into the kitchen as Ugenia sat with her parents around the table, eating her breakfast.

  ‘I’ve WON!’ shouted Ugenia, leaping into the air and clutching a green token. ‘Well, almost nearly,’ she said as she stared at the back of the Wheatie Oatie Flakos’ cereal box.

  ‘I need to collect just one more green token and then I’ve won a free trip to the Lunar Park Funfair as a VIP, which means “Very Important Person”!’ exclaimed Ugenia. ‘Then I get to go on all the rides as many times as I like without queuing! And I’m allowed to take guests. So, if you’re nice to me, I’ll take you when I win.’

  ‘Oh, really,’ said Ugenia’s mother, raising her eyebrows.

  ‘There’s this humongous roller coaster,’ Ugenia said breathlessly. ‘And the scariest ride ever, called the Death Wish, which zooms you upside down and swooshes you through the air really fast . . . it’s fantastic!’

  ‘Ooh, I’m not really sure that’s my sort of thing,’ said Pandora Lavender. ‘Perhaps your father will go with you.’

  ‘It sounds ghastly,’ said her father. ‘Besides, you haven’t even won yet.’

  ‘Yeah, but I will win,’ said Ugenia. ‘I just need to find one more token hidden inside a cereal box, make up a terrific slogan, enter the competition and I’m bound to win.’

  Ugenia was utterly convinced she was going to Lunar Park and was already visualizing herself hanging upside down on the Death Wish.

  Ugenia spent the first half of the day looking through rubbish bins for another empty box of Wheatie Oatie Flakos, hoping to find that one last token inside the box.

  But she had no luck, so instead she spent the second half of the day begging her mother for some money so she could go and buy some Wheatie Oatie Flakos instead. Ugenia tried several different techniques . . .

  ‘I will do the washing-up!’

  ‘Every night this week.’

  ‘I really, really love you. You’re the best mum in the world!’

  ‘If you loved me you would buy them.’

  ‘I hate you . . . you’re so mean!’

  And then, finally, when Ugenia’s best ideas had dried up, she decided the only thing left to do was beg . . .

  ‘Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease, pleeeeeeeeeeeeease, pleeeeeeeeeeeeease,’ cried Ugenia on her knees, grabbing her mother’s leg.

  ‘OK! Enough!’ said Pandora Lavender. ‘You win, Ugenia! You can have the money, but only if you stop that horrible whinging. It really doesn’t suit you and you’re giving me a headache,’ she complained, handing her two pounds.

  ‘Excellent! Thanks, Mum!’ yelled Ugenia, leaping into the air.

  ‘I haven’t finished yet,’ said Pandora with her hands on her hips. ‘There’s one condition – whatever cereal you buy you’ll have to eat it!’

  ‘Great,’ cried Ugenia. ‘I wish I could eat Wheatie Oatie Flakos all the time!’

  Ugenia jumped on her red bike and pedalled manically towards Rudy’s parents’ food shop. When Ugenia got to Patels’ Food Store, she was hot from pedalling. A rush of excitement swept over her as she thought about finding her green token and winning the VIP trip to Lunar Park – she was one step closer to her queue-jumping dream of dangling upside down on that Death W
ish ride.

  Ugenia entered the shop to find Mr Patel behind the counter. ‘Hi, Mr Patel, do you have any Wheatie Oatie Flakos?’ she asked.

  ‘Hmm, let me think,’ pondered Mr Patel as his brain tried to recall the last time he had seen a box of that particular cereal. ‘Oh, deary, deary me, I think we have sold out.’

  ‘Injustice!’ cried Ugenia, suddenly getting rather panicky. I need those Wheatie Oatie Flakos for my Death Wish!’

  ‘Hmm, I see this brand of cereal must be very nutritious,’ said Mr Patel. ‘Don’t fret, Ugenia, no cereal is that special. Hmm, maybe we have some left in the stockroom. Go and join Rudy – he’s in there stacking shelves. I’m sure he’ll be able to help you find exactly what you’re looking for,’ added Mr Patel, smiling, as he continued pricing up some large watermelons.

  Ugenia ran to the stockroom . . . it was stuffy and dark.

  ‘Ooh, Rudy, you have to help me with my Death Wish. If I don’t find a token in the Wheatie Oatie Flakos, I’m doomed never to get to ride it at the Lunar Park Funfair.’

  ‘Ah, I was just practising stacking some up,’ smiled Rudy as he proudly presented a neatly stacked pyramid pile of Wheatie Oatie Flakos. ‘I’m displaying them out on the shop floor later.’

  Ugenia stared in awe at the boxes, which almost touched the ceiling. ‘Ooh, Rudy, this is magnificent,’ she gasped. ‘It’s just like one of the ancient pyramids in Egypt, where I used to live, stuffed with secret hidden treasure. Except in this case it holds the key to my VIP Death Wish!’

  Ugenia carefully took a box of Wheatie Oatie Flakos from the top of the pile. She then ripped open the top, stuck her hand in and fished around for the square green plastic token. But to Ugenia’s dismay, all she found inside was Wheatie Oatie Flakos.

  ‘Injustice! I need another,’ cried Ugenia, grabbing one more from the top of the pile. Ugenia ripped it open, but there was still no green token. Then she ripped another and another and another. Frantically she was ripping and grabbing and tearing and scratching at the boxes until the large pyramid seemed to disintegrate before their eyes. In fact, it began to wobble and then, as Ugenia took one box too many, it toppled over in a heap. Suddenly, the whole stockroom looked like there had been an explosion of Wheatie Oatie Flakos.